When it seems like there's no one left to run to in this empty world you can come to me and I'll be your shooting star. You can tell me your dreams I can't promise to make them come true, but I'll be there to pick up the pieces of your broken heart if your dreams happen to fall through.
Have you ever heard a song from so long ago with so many memories tied to it that it made you cry? And didn't you with that you could go back into time when everything seemed so much simpler and carefree? Why did did we broke up? Well, it's like, once I sat down and looked at the situation, all the pieces lying on the floor, it just wasn't a puzzle anymore. None of the pieces fit together. And even if I tried really hard, the pieces, well they were two different puzzles. That's why I did it, you need to understand that.
All our lives we search for someone to love, someone to make us complete. We choose partners and change partners. We dance to a song of heartbreak and hope, all the while wondering if somewhere, somehow, someone perfect is searching for us too. You know, one day you look at the person and you see something more than you did the night before. Like a switch has been flicked somewhere. And the person who was just a friend is... suddenly the only person you can ever imagine yourself with.
Everything that ever caused a tear to trickle down my cheek, I run away and hide from it. But now, everything is unwinding and finding its way back towards me. And I don't know what to do. I just know that pain I felt so long ago, it's hurting ten times more. It's the loneliest feeling in the world - to find yourself standing up when everyone else is sitting down. To have everybody look at you and say "what's the matter with her?" I know what it feels like. Walking down an empty street, listening to the sound of your own footsteps. Shutters closed, blinds drawn, doors locked against you. And you aren't sure whether you're walking toward something, or if you're just walking away. You start life with a clean slate. Then you begin to make your mark. You face decisions, make choices. You keep moving forward. But sooner or later there comes a time where you look back over where you have been... and wonder who you really are.
Why I love you is a hard question to answer. I love you because you care for me like no one else I know. I love the way I feel in your arms, so safe from dangers in the world. I love your eyes, so hypnotic and mesmerizing, beautiful to gaze into, and yet never revealing everything to me.
Of course, you're going to get your heart broken. And it isn't just going to happen once, but a lot. That's just part of growing up, and it makes you stronger. Then you can handle it better next time. You may not get through it yourself, but your friends will help you through it. And you'll be a stronger person because of it. Then one day someone will come along, and it'll all pay off and no one will ever break your heart again.
Frustrated because I can't tell if it's real. Mad because I don't know how you feel. Upset because we can't make it right. Sad because I need you day and night. Angry because you won't take my hand. Aggravated because you don't understand. Disappointed because we can't be together, but still I'll love you forever. People are always telling me to smile, like smiling is going to just take away all the hurt and pain. Well I've tried that... I've tried hiding my sorrows and covering the sadness in smiles... and what I've learned is that when it hurts this much inside your heart always has a way of showing it no matter how many masks you wear.
If you can't solve it, it isn't a problem - it's reality. And sometimes reality is the hardest thing to understand and the thing that takes the longest to realize. But once it hits you in the face you'll never forget it. It will always be there in your memories and sometimes that is the best way to look at it.
When you are sad... I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the bastard who made you sad. When you are blue... I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you. When you smile... I'll know you finally got some. When you are scared... I will tease you about it every chance I get. When you are worried... I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and anything else that comes to mind for you to quit whining. When you are confused... I will use little words to explain it to you - dumb ass. When you are sick... stay away from me until you're well again. I don't want what you've got. When you fall... I will try to keep from laughing. This is my oath I pledge till the end. <3
I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned the hard way that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, or end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's to happen next. Laying there with your arms around me I felt so comfortable and safe. My heart was beating a mile a minute having you so close to me. As you played with my hair and kissed me I couldn't help but smile straight from my heart. I could see how much you cared from the look in your eyes. It made me never want to let you go. To just stay wrapped in your arms forever. Where nothing else matters but you and me.
But its ironic because that's how I live my life. I smile on the outside, and everyone thinks I'm doing fine but I'm always dying inside, always one step away from the edge you know? I can't be happy to be who I am because I don't know who I am anymore.
I know I'm not completely over him. He still crosses my mind several times a day, but with each one of those times, a feeling of contempt also passes through my heart. Maybe if this happens enough, my heart will become completely hardened to him, and I'll get to the point where he doesn't affect me anymore.
Am I mad at you? That's your main concern after shattering my whole world? Mad for what? Breaking my heart? Or for all the lies? Maybe for letting me put all my trust in you only to be betrayed? How about the fact you didn't even have the decency to tell me to my face? Or the way you think it's crazy that I'm angry over it cause to you breaking up is no big deal. Am I mad at you?... no. More like crushed... In reality, I'm slowly losing my mind. Underneath the guise of smile, gradually I'm dying inside. Friends ask me how I feel and I lie convincingly. Cause I don't want to reveal the fact that I'm suffering. So I wear my disguise till I go home at night and turn down all the lights and then I break down and cry.
It's hard to accept, but you can't change the past. You can't go back and manipulate things to the way you wanted them to happen. Because life'd be meaningless and boring and just not worth living. But you can change the future and that's a beautiful thing about life. Yes, you will make mistakes. And yes, you will have bad days - but as long as you let the past go, you'll have such a gorgeous and bright future ahead of you. Knowing that things were meant to happen. Knowing that each day you will learn something so that you keep growing to be a better person. Life is like a rope, twined in all its complexities and yet weaved into one marvelous stream that you have the chance you use something amazing from. So grab hold of it.
I can't get you out of my mind, I keep thinking of how much I love talking to you... how good you look when you smile, how much I love your laugh... I day-dream about you off and on, replaying pieces of our conversation, laughing at funny things that you said or did… I've memorized your face and the way that you look at me... I catch myself smiling again at what I imagine... I wonder what will happen the next time we are together, I know one thing for sure, your the best thing that ever happened to me in a long time.
My posts are getting more and more wordy day by day, it shows that my life is full of drama, and at the same time, it is monotonous just like the worddddssss. Perhaps you reflected upon yourself and thought "What grave mistake did i actually committed that she doesn't wanna forgive me despite my numerous apologies" "What went wrong?" The answer is you, dear.
0 comments:
Post a Comment